[X&Y] Avoid Awkward First Dates (And Leave Her Wanting More)

Published: Sat, 09/29/18



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IN THIS EDITION:  A reader wonders how to frame asking a woman out
for the first time, and also brings up the question of what exactly to do
during those potentially awkward moments when she "excuses herself"
from the table.

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QUESTION FROM A READER


Hi Scot,

I listened to your audio program "Telecom Game" at the gym
yesterday and got some new perspectives from it.  Thanks again.

I have a couple of questions, the first of which came up while
listening yesterday:

- During the initial stages of getting to know a new woman and
going out on dates, is it best to frame the invitation (from me to
her) with an emphasis on she and I getting together (and make the
thing we'll actually be doing a mere decoration around us), or make
the invitation one emphasizing the activity itself?

That is to say, in your experience, is it better to make it an
invitation to spend time together, or to do a particular activity?
Hope that makes sense.

- Perhaps an odd question, but one that I've always wondered about.
When on a date, say at a lounge for drinks or at a restaurant for
dinner, and the woman goes to the restroom, what's the best thing
to be doing when she's coming back?

I always find this awkward because you're just sitting there, really
with nothing to do, and it feels like I'm powerless in a sense during
those moments. I'm sure, having dated a lot yourself, you've
developed an approach that works well for you. I'd like to hear what
it is.

Thanks a million. Best regards,


Isaac (Australia)



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Hello Isaac:

Great questions.  Probably the best ones I've gotten all week.

The overarching theme here is not to think too hard about any of
what you are mentioning here.

If you over analyze, it'll spin yourself into "analysis paralysis" and
the resulting insecurity will bury you regardless of which way you
go...every time.

To answer your first question, I'd recommending a "both...and"
approach instead of an "either...or".

In other words, it doesn't have to be positioned as either something
cool to do or a chance to hang out with a cool guy like you.

It's kind of like asking if you should press the clutch or shift
the gears when driving.  See what I mean?

The premise is that because you're such an amazing guy, of
course you're going to plan amazing dates.

And yet, said "amazing date" doesn't have to be a huge, financially
draining production of an event, either.

In fact, the likelihood is that a natural setting doing something
normal people do anyway will be much more amenable to getting
to know each other more effectively anyway.

Try something like:  "Hey, I'm planning to go to the Bombay or Pier
One to pick out a new lamp for the living room.  I could use a
woman's insight.  How about you join me?"

It doesn't really matter where you are going and what for, as long
as it isn't too downscale (e.g. to the Circle K...) or creepy
(...for some Preparation H).

Of course, it goes without saying that avoiding lounges and
restaurants altogether obviates your second question entirely.

There's no such thing as "waiting around doing nothing" in the
example I mentioned above.

In fact, I'd pick her out something completely silly that you'd tell
her with a straight face is "perfect for her" when she returned from
the ladies room. Ha!

But if you do end up finding yourself alone at the table in a
restaurant twiddling your thumbs anyway, here are several ideas:


1)      20/20 foresight says to plan early dates at fun, easygoing
places.  Lots of guys--especially ones who haven't figured out
how women really think yet--plan expensive first dates at
"romantic" restaurants.

Your example is but one of myriad reasons why high-pressure first
dates with a serious tone are a rotten idea.

It's all about finding out whether you genuinely get along with a
woman or not during the early stages, not about attempting to
manufacture "romance" where none exists (yet).

That said, I'm not going to at all discount the raw horsepower of a
dimly-lit romantic hideaway of a place when it comes to setting the
mood, but this is about timing.  And first dates especially are
rarely the best times for such.

Instead, pick a place that has big TVs, a cool jazz band playing or
(especially) something interactive going on like Buzztime trivia.

Then, when she excuses herself for a few minutes you're otherwise
occupied...and naturally so.


2)      Anticipating the potential awkwardness of the situation you
described, you may also pay careful attention to positioning.

Maybe sit at the bar instead of a big old sloppy booth.  That way,
there's social interactivity built in.


3)      If you're tell the waiter or waitress you aren't bailing on
check, you can use the opportunity to excuse yourself from the
table for a health break also.

Make sure she didn't leave valuables behind if you do this (and don't
take her purse with you if she left it there, either!)


4)      Or, you could...(wait for it)...stop giving a rat's behind how
you look.

Believe me, the Awkward Turtles are likely swimming around in her own
aquarium simply because she felt a little silly excusing herself to
begin with (unless...uh...she did so specifically to plan the dreaded
"escape call", but you'll find out the answer to that question shortly
thereafter anyway).

Seriously, though.  Stay casual and relaxed.  "Powerlessness" in such
an instance is simply "insecurity" in disguise.  Be patient, and if
possible don't make it blatantly obvious that you're scoping out
the "scenery" elsewhere.

Remember where the conversation left off, and resume it when she
returns as if nothing happened.

Be in control.  Be a man who is comfortable in his own skin.

Bodily functions happen.  You don't look dumb because she needed a
break.

Your mental state will lead hers naturally.  And if you still need
a visualization, consider how this would go if the shoe was on the
other foot.

Would you return from the men's room to find her sitting there
casually waiting and think, "Wow, she looks like a total idiot
sitting there by herself...no second date for her."

Of course not, man.  It's all part of being a human being.

Thanks again for the outstanding questions.


.Be Good,

Scot McKay

 

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