[X&Y] What Makes Dating After Divorce So Tricky

Published: Sat, 02/02/19


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WHAT'S INSIDE:  Today I'm going to talk about divorce.  That
doesn't mean you have to be divorced to read this newsletter.

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It's really that easy.  Forget any negative info you've heard,
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All you really need to do is surf the search results for your local
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crystal clear to you:

You've GOT to get in on this action.

There's only one problem, really.

Most guys have no idea what they're doing, and they flunk out
...miserably.

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WHAT MAKES DATING AFTER DIVORCE SO TRICKY


You know, my parents have been happily married for over 57
years. They met in high school and married while still teenagers. 

Contrary to the naysayers who no doubt told them they were "too
young", or whatever, they are still together. 

In fact, all I've ever seen demonstrated for me by my parents was
the paragon of health and happiness in a relationship.

So leave it to me to be the first divorced one in the history of
either side of the family. 

After that happened I got plenty of "advice" from my parents and
other family members.  But since none of them had ever
experienced divorce, it wasn't necessarily all that helpful.

Dating again after divorce is a whole different ball game than
what happened in high school, college, or wherever else you
were before the first time you walk down the aisle (at whatever
age that happens).

You don't need me to tell you that.

But have you ever stopped to consider WHY that is?

I mean, why is it that people who are happily married for years
can't relate to what dating after divorce is like? 

And, more importantly, how come things are so, um...different...
when one starts dating again as a mature adult after some time
"away from the scene"? 

Well, it's all about what I call "The Divorce 50/50 factor".  I'll
spell it out for you.

Let's face it.  A marriage between two good, healthy people
doesn't result in divorce that often, does it?  Maybe you can
think of an exception.  Or two.  But definitely not more than
you have fingers on one hand, right?

Right. 

Because divorce is difficult on people it is therefore typically
the result of someone irreparably betraying the relationship in
some way. 

You don't see couples calling it quits because they "just don't
feel like being together anymore".  Not often.  

Typically it takes violence, habitual disrespect, substance
abuse, considerable infidelity, tragic mental illness or the like
to bring about the divorce.

Simply put, when divorce happens someone has just not
been a very nice person.  He or she hasn't kept his or her
end of the commitment.

So, consider for a brief moment that you are divorced (which
for some of us isn't difficult).  Short of some miraculous
"amicable" parting as allowed for above in rare instances,
there are only two sides of the table you can be on when
that divorce happens:

 

1)  The Aggressor


You blew it.  The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back
showed up because of you, and if it was the kind you drink out
of, well...you sucked. 

The running around, cocaine habit, drunken fits and/or whatever
else that was not co-habitable is now a dark secret that you
absolutely MUST hide from anyone else you are going to date...
especially if you ever expect to be married again someday. 

This is, of course, unless you are willing to end up with
someone with utterly zero self-confidence.  Nice.
       


2)  The Victim


You wanted a happy, shiny marriage.  You tried to make it work,
but in the end it was either too much of a weight to bear, the
physical danger became too much and/or your spouse left you
first anyway.

If this description fits you, there is going to be pain. 

The pain may influence caution at best, and outright distrust at
worst, when considering future relationships.



So what this all adds up to is a dramatically different landscape
than when we were all much younger and busy sizing up the
fresh dating pool around us.

At BEST, only 50% of divorced people can possibly be "innocent
victims" done wrong by a bad, untrustworthy ex-spouse. 

That means at LEAST 50% of divorced people were "aggressors". 

Oh, and please don't think I am about to sway the odds by
assigning gender specificity to the equation.  Stop dreaming. 

And here's more:  the number of purely "innocent victims" is in
actuality considerable smaller. 

Why?  Because there is nothing stopping two "aggressor" types
from getting married and making each other miserable, is there?

These marriages end also, spilling both ex-spouses back into the
dating pool. 

And wait a minute...even if one ex-spouse is purely a "victim" rather
than "aggressor", haven't we talked recently about how poverty
mentality is closely associated with victimhood? 

Yeah, well, that's not a healthy way to enter a future relationship
either.

Worse, if both ex-spouses were "aggressors", that typically means
that BOTH are also "victims"...complete with finger-pointing and
utter denial. 

And if you're thinking what I'm thinking, you're thinking that last
paragraph was scary.

So what if you are divorced like I am? 

Are we dating fellow divorced people?  Well, why wouldn't we?

We can relate to one another MUCH better than those who seem
to have all the "advice", even often at the single parent level.

But at least we've shed some light here on why even more
second marriages fail than first marriages..

You don't want yours to be one of them.

With that in mind, if we're divorced and dating again we have
to ask ourselves hard questions.



1)  Was I an "aggressor"?  If so, was it a simple mistake or a
habitual pattern that MUST be corrected in order for me to
contribute to a successful relationship in the future?  If a simple
mistake, can a future spouse forgive me for that past history
more than my ex-spouse was able to?  If a habitual pattern, can
I own up and get it handled--forever?


2)  Was I a "victim"?  If so, do I see myself being abused as
such over and over?  Can I ever trust someone again?  Do I
know how to recognize the traits of an aggressor and not
settle for someone who will cause history to repeat itself?


3)  Do I know how to get down to the bottom of which category
(or both) the new person I am dating is in?  Or WAS in?  What
kind of skill does that take?  How finely tuned a B.S. detector
do I have to have?  Am I confident that whichever category it
is, my new friend has put the error of their ways in the past?
If she is still struggling, am I settling? 

Hint:  When it comes down to brass tacks, most of your
divorced dates will position themselves as having been the
"victim", especially now with the easy scapegoat of "toxic
masculinity" available to them.


4)  What are reasonable expectations for a couple to have
when both are considering marrying a second time?  What is
the difference between having "been around the block" a few
times and/or having been to the "school of hard knocks" vs.
carrying truly destructive, deal-breaker traits?  Can you
recognize these? 

Hint:  It has nothing to do with what is hard to hear about the
past...and everything with how the future would potentially
play out.



I know I've had to ask myself these sorts of things on a daily
basis.

I tried following some people's advice to find a nice, smart,
attractive mid-twentysomething who didn't have any
"baggage" (whatever that means, right?).

I wasn't happy. 

Hey, I liked being able to relate to whom I'm dating.  So this
meant dating a woman who had been divorced and is a single
parent was a good thing for me...and that's who I married the
second time around. 

But you know by now that I am about deserving what you want
in a relationship, which means I see the importance of handling
the issues that being divorced brings.

And you're darn skippy sure I've considered long and hard how to
learn how to appreciate a woman who has done the same.  How
about you?


 



 
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